


Toru

by Hazumeow



Category: Naruto
Genre: A lot of tragedy, Angst and Tragedy, Disillusionment, F/M, Gen, Impoverished Civilian Life, It's hard writing like a child ok, M/M, Male Protagonist, Multi, Original Character(s), Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Realistic, Second Shinobi War, Self-Insert, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Everything, Tags Are Hard, The Author Regrets Nothing, Third Shinobi War, Writing style that evolves as OC ages up, child protagonist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-05-30 15:49:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19406455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazumeow/pseuds/Hazumeow
Summary: [SIOC FIC]Well fought and well done. All of us fight as one.It took me three years to be able to properly read the faded out kanji of the flimsy poster that I keep in my back pocket. The illustration is colourful, bright reds and yellows. Colours that would definitely catch the attention of a child.The poster carefully placed along the walls and fences of my village, level with the height of a four year old. I thought enlisting to become a Shinobi was a heroic deed, something I needed to do to save my family from poverty and to serve my country at the cusp of war.Then I graduated early to be deployed to the front lines.I am sadly and sorely mistaken.





	1. One

I dream of a dark tunnel with a bright light at the other side, like looking at the sun through the end an empty toilet paper roll, playing _Pirates and Ninjas_ on the top of the _jungle gym_ with the rest of the kids from my _apartment block_. The wind rushes through my hair, gently whooshing past my face as I spread both my arms wide. Welcoming the breeze on my skin, a slight scent of sweat that lingers a little too long. I stand on the edge of the topmost bar with my legs set wide, the highest point I can reach.

"---- _kun_ , you're going to fall! " A little girl with her black hair up in pigtails says, scrambling up after me. Her pudgy arms aren't strong enough to pull her up on the first rung of bars but she tries her best anyway. Her face scrunching up with great effort as she continues her climb.

I've never heard the first part of what she said, where my name was supposed to be. It always felt like that low, thrumming in my ear that sometimes happens when I bend over or sit down. Her mouth moves but I hear nothing for a second, then the sound of her voice comes back. 

"Hehe," I triumphantly place my hands on my hips, looking down at her from above my nose. She's only halfway up the _jungle gym,_ struggling to get as high as I am. I know I'm speaking. But that's not my voice. It doesn't belong to me, "You'll never get up here if you don't try harder."

"Eeeeh," She says, "You're so mean ---- _kun_!" She pouts at me for a second then scrunches up her nose as she heaves her tiny body upwards. It happens again, that low, static-y thrum where my name is supposed to be. I can still hear the cawing of crows and the rustling of the wind in the background. It only happens when she speaks my name.

Strange words that sound like something I recognize. But when I say it out, it's like I'm speaking a completely different language. It rolls off my tongue, smooth like the surface of silken tofu but it leaves a bitter aftertaste behind.

It feels familiar, yet not. Something simultaneously far, yet near to the rippled depths of my soul. Funny, I know. Like a strong sense of 'Oh, I've seen this before'. 

I bend down to extend a hand towards her, offering to help her up. I feel my lips curl into a playful grin as her eyes quiver at my open palm, "Here. C'mon. I'll help you up."

Her dark eyes melt into a glittering moonlit sea. Her face brightening up into the biggest smile she can give. "Hehe," She giggles and attempts to pull herself up with my hand, "You're not that mean after a-"

This is where things go wrong. I don't know if she pulled too hard or if it was a bad idea to stand on a narrow bar to pull someone up or if it was both but my legs leave the bars. I fall. Everything slows down. Her fingers leave mine.

"----! ----!" She screams my name. All that comes out is static. Tears fall from her eyes. And she looks like she's lost her favourite teddy bear into the deep, black abyss of nothingness.

"Toru! Tor-" I say, looking up at her pig tails wave and flutter in the wind. Toru. The name that belongs to the girl with moonlit oceans in her eyes and cute pigtails tied up with pink scrunchies. This time she's the one with her hand outstretched, reaching out to grab mine. A horrible exchange of fate. I'm about to hit the ground.

This only happens when I'm sleeping, dreaming of things I've never seen before, people that I don't recognize and events that couldn't have possibly happened in front of a building I've never thought was possible to build. When I wake up the day after, all that's left is a odd, unfulfilling sense of emptiness that I can't really put a name to.

Something crunches in a sickening way.

* * *

"Toru!"

A warm and gentle hand presses against my shoulder, rocking my body. Her voice runs smooth into my ears in a low but urgent half-whisper. A groan escapes my mouth. I try to brush her hand away with a sloppy tug of the blankets. The shaking still continues. My body wriggles and rolls over to the opposite side in hopes that the shaking will stop. It doesn't. The pressure gradually increases.

"Toru! Toru, wake up!"

Two hands now. One on my shoulder and the other on my waist. I can feel her warmth through my thin, scratchy blanket. She's using two hands to shake me up.

"W-what time is it?" My voice is thick with bleariness and I can barely crack my eyes open because of all the boogers sealing my eye shut. I furiously rub my eyes to get rid of them.

She rolls me over on my back like she would a _tawara-_ a bale of rice so she can see my face. "You're saying your name in your sleep again," She whispers to me, keeping her voice as low as she could without waking the rest of our family up. Her long cosmos-pink hair tickles the sides of my face as she crouches down, craning her neck so that she can take a closer look. So she can see if I was crying. Her green eyes reflecting the soft flame of the kerosene lamp by my head as she brushes the sticky parts of my fringe away from my face with her cool fingers, "Did you have a nightmare?"

I brush the remains of the boogers from my eyes, I can open them fully now. But do I want to? No. "My name?" I say, probably looking like I've aged a couple of years as I slowly sit up, being careful not to knock the lamp over. Kerosene is very expensive and we only earn enough to afford one small bottle a month.

"Yeah," I frown, but not because I _did_ indeed have a nightmare. I just hate sleeping on that part of the _tatami_ where it just sinks in weird places and I have to squirm, wriggle and move just to get into a nice, comfortable position I can sleep in, "A nightmare. A bad one." The same nightmare that I've been having my entire life (three and a half years and counting).

I rub the parts of my back that I can reach (not much) to relieve myself of the dull ache that's slowly growing. I want Mother to replace the old, rickety _tatami_ mats with new ones but we can't. The wallpaper too, there's some holes near the _engawa_ that we can't patch up with repairing paper and it gets _really_ cold at night. Maybe next year, she said, if harvest is good. I don't think it will happen though, we need the money for so many other things.

I can sleep on them for a while longer.

She pats the top of my head in a nice way. The way she always does when I have a bad dream. She giggles softly once she sees the grumpy expression on my face, "That's why _kaa-san_ named you Toru, you know?" Yes, I know. I've heard this story before from Mother and from Kaikaherself _._ I was barely six months old when I started crying 'Towu, Towu' in my gurgly baby voice. Kaika said that I was _this_ close being named Tofu.

I blink my eyes a couple of times to get rid of the sleepiness. It's still dark out and it doesn't look like it's anywhere near morning. The chickens aren't making any sounds either. "What are you doing up, Kaika _-nee_?" I say, looking up at her with wide(r) eyes.

Kaika picks up the lamp and walks towards the table. An almost finished garment lies over the surface. It's a very nice shade of green, like the colour of barley leaves. "I'm just finishing up the work that Hasumi _-san_ gave me today," She says, "There's always so much to do! But she treats me nicely, so I can't complain much." She picks up the needle and continues sewing the seams of the sleeves, " _And_ she gives me extra pay for extra work."

Kaika is my sister if you didn't already know. She's an apprentice tailor, which means she'll one day take over Hasumi- _san_ 's workshop and make a lot more than she does right now. Maybe then we'll be able to replace the _tatami_! She also turns eight this year.

"And the _shuriken kimono_?" I say looking at her with round eyes, "You remember our promise right?"

"Of course I remember, with _this_ done I'll have enough to get the fabric that you want." Her fingers don't stop as she responds. It can be quite hypnotic watching her work, the needle going in and out, weaving the thin thread in a neat line with even spaces between them (that's why she's Hasumi _-san_ 's best apprentice!), "I'll come to bed in a bit, I'm almost done."

" _Shuriken kimono_ ," I hum as I settle back into the futon and pulling up my blanket so it reaches my chin. I feel a little bit better after being woken up, " _Shuriken kimono_."

"Remember, you're going to turn four soon. Which means you have to help Hatsuga with the morning chores." She says, "Don't forget."

"I won't," I say, letting sleep take over me again, "I won't..."

* * *

When the rooster (it's what a boy chicken is called) starts crowing, it's time for the whole family (except Kaika, she wakes up a little later to get to her tailor workshop near the center of the village) to wake up to tend to our farm. Which now includes me. I usually slept through when Mother kisses me good-morning, but I'm almost four. I'm almost becoming a _man_ so I have to do my part for the family.

Hatsuga is already sitting up, bleary eyed and looking like a storm has blown through the room but only affecting him. Or just his hair. It's sticking out in weird ways that reminds me of the spiky part of a chestnut, except purplish-red instead of green. He's my older brother. My family is kinda big. He's the fourth child, then after him is me. I'm the fifth child of the family. 

"Oh, are you helping out today Toru _-chan_?" Mothersays when she realizes that I'm awake as she presses her lips against my forehead.

"I'm not Toru _-chan_ anymore," I huff, the grumpiness from being woken up coming back again, "I'm _almost_ four. I'm Toru now. To-ru." I say out the two parts of my name to get her to understand.

She ruffles my hair with her warm hand, "You'll always be my Toru- _chan_. Okay, get up before Moe _-chan_ wakes up and starts to cry." Mother moves over to the small bundle of cloth, swaddled around a gurgling baby that isn't that much bigger than me. It's quite amazing once I think about it, it's not so long ago that I was once tiny like that.

" _Noooooo._ " I say, lifting myself out of the bed and giving my mother a reluctant hug. I don't really want her to call me Toru _-chan_ , it's _embarrassing_.

"What if I promise to teach you to write in the evening?" Mother says. Then in a sneaky way, "I'll even let you send a letter to Shibomu and Kizashi."

My eyes go round. The embarrassment immediately disappears from my mind, "Shibomu _-nii_? Kizashi _-nii_? Really? Yes, I'll be Toru _-chan_ forever!" 

Hatsuga gives me a (painful) noogie, sounding like he hasn't fully woken up yet. Maybe his head is still sleeping, even if his body is moving, "Shut up. It's too early for this."

"O-ouch! Stop it! It's always too early for anything for you," I say, trying to push him away but he's bigger and stronger than me. He just presses down on my head harder, messing up my hair even more. I can only hope it doesn't turn out like his, " _Kaa-chan_! _Kaa-chan_! Hatsuga- _nii_ 's bullying me!" I use my almost-crying voice. If everything else doesn't work, Mother to my rescue!

"You're such a tattle-tale! C'mere you!" Hatsuga wrestles me to the floor as he tries to cover my mouth with his hand. Looks like he's awake now, "Men don't cry for their _kaa-san._ No matter how much they want to. _"_

I let out a loud gasp, "I _am_ a man!" I push my palm against his chin to get him off me.

_"_ Now, now boys." Mother says, cradling my youngest sister in her arms in a slow rocking motion, "I'm right here. You can't really say that when you're doing it in front of your _kaa-chan_ you know?"

Hatsuga looks iffed for a quick second before releasing his hold on me.

"Haha! Hatsuga _-nii_ , you are no match for-" I drop to a knee and make a triumphant pose with my arms, " _Shinobi_ -man!"

Hatsuga looks at me. Then at the pose I'm making. He makes a face like when he's trying to eat green bell peppers. He hates green bell peppers, "You're embarrassing."

"A-ah! Toru _-chan_ , don't be too loud. You'll wake Moe _-chan_ u- Ah, too late." Mother strokes the baby's face to try to keep her from crying.

Instead of crying my youngest sister lets out a quiet, bubbling cough.

* * *

So our morning chores. In no particular order of importance (but we do it in this order because it's easier). We feed the goats (we have four, three girl goats and one boy goat) at the back with a mixture of broken rice husks and a bit of charcoal from our fireplace, broken into little pieces. Hatsuga said that it helps keep them alive (I know right? Eating charcoal? Keeping them alive? Out of curiosity, I've tasted it before. _Blergh_.) because it clears their stomach from all the plants and weeds they eat in the backyard.

I don't question it out loud because we've always done it this way. Okay, maybe I have. Hatsuga just looked at me funny.

Then we brush them down and try not to get hit by their back hooves. One of them, whom I call Ha- _chan_ (because she always has a leaf in her mouth) always looks very grumpy in the mornings and will try to kick anyone that gets close. I had to duck. Hatsuga fared a whole lot better than me, but then again he's been helping out a lot longer.

We milk them after. Hatsuga had to teach me how. He does it really well in one swift tug of his fingers. For me, the experience was very slippery and weird. It's like trying to squeeze all of the water out of the rag we use to wipe the wood down on our _engawa,_ but I have to do it _gently_ or the goats make a fuss, kick the metal pail and run away _._

The milk fills three pails about a quarter of my size that the both of us have to lug back.

"Hhrnng!" I wrap my fingers around two (yes, two) pails and stand up really quickly. I thought the force of my movements will help me lift both pails up but they don't budge. I blink. "Hnngngh!" I try it again, hoping the result will be different this time around. It isn't. Two pails are too heavy for me to carry.

"Toru. Step back." Hatsuga gestures for me to step away from the pails. I take a few steps back, letting the handles clatter noisily against the rim. "Here. I'll show you what a _real_ man can do." He adjusts his grip on the pails and heaves. A grunt comes out of him and all of a sudden he's lifting _both_ of the pails with a smug smirk.

"Woaaahhh, Hatsuga _-nii_! You're so strong!" I look at him with rounded eyes, clapping my hands together for his wondrous feat, "Can I do that when I'm as old as you?" I really, really want to get stronger and become a _man_ , not that I'm not already a man right now, but still.

"Heh." Hatsuga says through his nose, "You can try kid, but you'll never be as strong as me." He waddles away towards the house, both pails in tow.

I pout, grabbing the leftover pail with my chubby hands and follow him. Carefully. So the milk doesn't spill. We'll sell two pails at the morning market later for five hundred ryo each. Enough to buy a small amount of rice and bread for the whole family, some firewood for the day and a bit of soy sauce and miso. Enough for tomorrow's breakfast, lunch and dinner. The one pail we do keep is for today's breakfast. Hatsuga and Kaika says milk makes you stronger so I'm definitely drinking all of my share today.

After setting aside the milk in the cool shed, it's time to feed the chickens and collecting their eggs. For breakfast. We have seven chickens, one boy chicken and the rest are girl chickens (hehe, I'm _really_ good at counting).

"Hey, Hatsuga _-nii_?" I say, carelessly throwing the feed around my feet. The chickens wobble their way closer to me and start pecking at the seeds and grain, eager clucking echoing around me.

"Yeah?" He says. He's all bent over in the chicken coop trying to get the freshly laid eggs of the day which meant his butt is also sticking out of the small entrance. You know what would be funny? If he got stuck like that.

"Why do we call boy chickens ' _roosters_ ' and girl chickens ' _hens_ '?" I scowl, eyebrows knitting together. My hands stop scattering the feed and I adjust the weight of the wicker basket by my hip, "Isn't it _easier_ to call them boy chickens and girl chickens?"

"What are you talking about?" Hatsuga says. He bumps his head on the inner roof of the coop, groaning in pain. "Toru, you- I don't make the rules for these things okay?" He tries to push himself out of the coop once he's made sure that all the eggs are safely in the basket in his arms. "E-eh?" Hatsuga grunts, "I can't get out."

I cackle. The chickens around my feet dash away.

"Also why do you keep using the door for the chickens instead of the door for humans?" I say, walking over to the coop and unhinging the front netting. The wall of the coop facing me pops right open to reveal easier access to the nests. Hatsuga's eyes go wide.

He scowls, sounding very sheepish, "I-i didn't know that."

" _Now_ you know." I say sounding smug. I take the basket of eggs from his arms.

"Now help me out!" Hatsuga wriggles his body in the entrance, "Or I'm gonna-! I'm gonna-!"

I skip away, cackling with two baskets at my hip.

* * *

I peek out from Mother's skirts, narrowing my eyes at Hatsuga. There is a painful bump on my head where he hit me. Mother just sighs, shrugging her shoulders as she continues mixing the cracked eggs with a pair of chopsticks. It seems like we're going to have _tamagoyaki_ for breakfast today. Moe gurgles and coos at me from above, swathed snugly around one of her spare kimonos and secured on Mother's back. She lets out a little bubbling cough, like earlier in the morning.

"I _did_ say I was gonna hit you." Hatsuga crosses his arms in a huff.

He sits by the pull-out table next to our kitchen. Mother has already tidied up the futons and put them away so we have enough space to eat. Kaika is by the dresser at the far corner of the room, brushing her hair and tidying it up into a neat bun. She's already wearing her white work frock over her kimono.

Our house is a little small compared to the other houses in the village but we have a really big plot of land for our animals and crops. We can't eat the crops we grow though, we send them to the _daimyo_ instead. I asked Mother about it and she told me that it was part of our _rent,_ we only moved here when I was born. 

I frown back at him, clutching the fabric of Mother's _kimono_ tightly. I can feel the sting of tears behind my eyes but I won't cry. I am _finally_ a _man_ of the household, after all. 

"Toru _-chan_ ," Mother says in the same tone she uses when she scolds Hatsuga when he's being too rowdy. She doesn't sound angry or anything. It's gentle but firm with a hint of disappointment, "Toru _-chan_ , you need to let go when I'm cooking. You could get very hurt. I have to fry the tamagoyaki now. Let go so Kaika can get to work on time. Oh yeah, Kaika! Remember to take your lunch bento. You forgot it yesterday."

"Yes, _kaa-san_ ," Kaika says in a sing songy way. She's still tidying up the flyaway hairs on the top of her bun.

I slowly release the fabric of her _kimono_ from my fingers.

"Good boy," Mother says kindly, gesturing at the steaming bucket of rice that she'd set down in a corner, "Why don't you help your _kaa-chan_ with setting the table, then we can begin the day with a delicious, hearty breakfast?"

"Okay." I say, sucking all my tears back into my tear ducts and proceed to scoop the fluffy, white rice into a bowl (that's all my small hands can carry carefully without dropping it on the ground. It's really hot). I grab the bundle of dry chopsticks by the sink and toddle over to the table where Hatsuga (still looking angry) and Kaika (who gives me a smile) are. I serve Kaika first, setting the bowl and a pair of chopsticks in front of her. Hatsuga makes another face.

"You're growing up so fast, Toru," Kaika places a gentle hand on my head, then moving to stand up, "C'mon I'll do it with you. We can finish it faster together."

"Yeah!" I say.

Kaika follows me back to the kitchen (it's only about 10 steps away. Small house, like I said) to help me with setting the table. Hatsuga just huffs, unmoving from his seat. He can be very unhelpful when it comes to chores and such in the house. I'm a man, he says, housework is a woman's job. But isn't it a man's job to help their family, even if they're women? Whatever. I like helping Mother and Kaika. Their smiles of gratitude is reward enough for me.

We have a glass of milk each and _tamagoyaki_ with a side of egg on rice topped by a drizzle of soy sauce for breakfast. And a piping hot bowl of _miso_ soup.

* * *

After breakfast. Kaika goes off to her work place and Mother tends to the farm with Moe on her back. Looking at her thin body shakes my heart a little. Mother is a little smaller than the other older women in the village. The aunty from next door is much, much more rounder. If they stood side by side, she'd make Mother look like a matchstick in comparison. I can't wait to be older so I can help her out with the crops. I'm not allowed to now because I'm not old enough.

Hatsuga usually goes into the forest with the bigger kids to forage for stuff to bring home to eat or to sell. As usual, I'm not allowed to follow because I'm too _young_. He's only three years older than me dammnit- Ah, I'm also not allowed to use bad words. Oops.

What I _can_ do is hang out with the other kids my age nearby the village. Daiki and Hisao and me makes up the usual trio. There aren't many boys my age and the rest of them are girls. Girls don't really like playing with us since we get dirty and we play rough. So it's only just us three.

"Hey, do you think they have _jungle gyms_ in the bigger villages? In Konoha?" I say, kicking a stray pebble as I walk down the dirt path leading to the Village Centre- a communal building where housewives go to gossip and where the old people go to drink tea in peace. Basically where everyone goes to hang out because that's the only building with electric-powered fans to keep cool in the mornings and afternoons. Electricity is expensive and we can't afford it like the other people in the village can.

"Eh, Toru. Is it another one of your strange words again?" Hisao has his hands behind his head as he walks beside me. His hair is shaved very close to his head. I asked him why once and he said that it was a family thing. His dad and older brothers all have shaved heads. His dad is a potter and his house is very close to the edge of the village where the mountains are.

Daiki purses his lips, "I don't think they even _exist_." Daiki has messy, shaggy hair and sharp eyes. He doesn't really talk about his family so I don't know much about him, but if I had to choose between Hisao and Daiki as my best friend. It'd be Daiki, "But how do they look like again? Draw it for me?" Thats why I like him better. Even if he doesn't understand what I'm talking about he always tries his best to entertain me.

I stop by the side, grabbing a branch and scratch shapes on the dirt. The two of them stop as well, crouching down to look at my drawing.

"Isn't that just an upside down bowl with a lot of lines?" Hisao says, pressing his fingers to his chin.

"No, no. It's a _jungle gym_." Daiki corrects him.

My cheeks turn hot. I'm not really good at drawing so it turned out a little bit bad compared to the image I have in my head. It _does_ indeed look like an upside bowl made up of lines with a very tall chimney on top. I quickly rub the drawing away with my _zori_ and fold my arms across my chest in embarrassment, "C'mon let's just go. We're going to be late for the ninja broadcast!"

"O-oh yeah!" Hisao jumps and makes a mad dash towards the building, "Come _on_!"

Daiki dusts the bottom of his kimono, "Let's go after him."

"Yeah! I don't wanna miss it too!" I say breaking into a slow jog behind Hisao.

The ninja broadcast starts at eleven a.m in the morning on the only channel that the public radio can tune in. The broadcast talks about the grandeur and strength of ninjas, followed by a short and detailed accounts of noteworthy _shinobi_ from the second war. This entire week they were talking about the strength and feats of the three legendary _sannin_ and how they defeated Hanzo the Salamander in the previous war. Today's focus is on Tsunade and her work with _revolutionizing_ (I don't really understand what this word means but I'm guessing it's a very good word) medicine and healing _jutsu_ for the other _shinobi_ in Konoha. A pioneer (another word I don't understand) in her line of study. She's the reason why most of the casualties from the war survived their injuries.

Three of us sit super close to the radio, keeping our ears cupped so we don't miss a single word. The other adults just chuckle at our antics as they continue their conversations as quiet as they can.

"Ah, Tsunade _-hime_ is a _goddess."_ One of the older men say, "Our village was built in her name, you know? The only reason why the war hasn't touched our part of the country is because of her."

"Sshh," Another older lady presses her fingers to her mouth, "Keep it down. Let the kids listen to the radio."

I didn't know this fact about our village, about Tsunade. Pride bubbles in my chest. I'm happy to be living in the village that's made in honor of one of the legendary Sannin.

The tone of the announcer changes from upbeat and happy to something sad, "We all have heard of the losses that occurred in our main forces. Let us take a short moment of silence to honor their service to our _great_ country of Fire before we continue."

Three of us scramble to stand up in respect. Everyone else in the room turns quiet and solemn. The only thing I could hear besides the soft music from the radio is the clinking of the cup against the table. Hisao looks like he's about to cry but he's putting on a brave face. His older brother is a _shinobi_ in service. He hasn't sent a letter back in ages so Hisao is very worried. _Shinobi_ are very busy people, they must be preoccupied with saving other villagers so I always tell him not to worry. He _can't_ help but to worry.

Daiki just has a solemn look on his face. His shoulders are sloped, hands behind his back as he drops his eyes to the floor. I give him a pat on the back to cheer him up. He gives me a small smile in return.

The music stops and the male announcer continues the broadcast, "We're going to open the gates of the Konoha Academy for enrollment to everyone this year. Everyone between the ages of 4 to 6 are welcome to apply. Everyone who does join will get a monthly stipend for supplies and all fees will be subsidized by the government. In about three months, recruitment drives will be held in every village listed here." He proceeds to say the names of all the other villages.

"Huh, again?" Someone says behind me, "The last country-wide recruitment drive was only two years ago at the start of the war. Are they really that short hande-?"

"Don't talk about that when the kids are here!" Another elderly woman hisses from beside him, "We're all loyal citizens of the great country of Fire so we should do our part."

My heart almost overflows in happiness when the announcer says the name of our village.

* * *

Hisao laughs and puffs out his chest as he stands on one of the bigger rocks, "The legendary _sannin_ are so cool! When I'm a ninja I'm going to be Jiraiya the gallant and I'll get _all_ the girls!" His earlier worry is forgotten once he's heard about the recruitment drive that's going to be happening in our village.

He points at Daiki, "You can be Orochimaru since you're very smart. And you have black hair like he does." 

Daiki just raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms, "Okay. Then Toru is-"

Hisao points to me and makes an evil face, "Toru can be Tsunade. His hair makes him look like a girl! _Nyeh_." He sticks his tongue out and waggles his fingers to taunt me.

I pout, "Well, Tsunade _-hime_ is strong and powerful. So I don't mind being her. But for saying that I look like a girl. I'm gonna get ya!" I jump and tackle him to the ground. We struggle and brawl in the dirt, Hisao grinning as we traded blows like a pretend ninja fight. Daiki just grabs our wrists and flip us over on the dirt, falling beside us in a pile of laughter. Daiki is really mysterious like that, he's much more stronger than the two of us combined but he doesn't look like he's strong.

We're all lying down in a circle now, heads touching as we look up at the late afternoon sky.

"So it's a promise then? We're all going to become ninja?" Hisao clenches his fist and pushes it up to the sun.

"Yeah!" I say, mirroring his gesture. Bumping the side of my fist with his. I turn my head to look at Daiki, waiting for him to join in.

Daiki is silent for a while but he eventually lifts his arm to complete our circle of fists, "Yeah, we're all going to be ninja."

The three of us stay with our fists up in the air for a while before dropping them to watch the clouds.

"Hey, does my hair really make me look like a girl?" I pat down the sides of my hair, feeling very conscious about my appearance, "Is it the colour? Is it the length? I'll get Kaika _-nee_ to cut it for me."

"Yes." Hisao says.

Daiki shakes his head, "No."

They both give each other a very heated stare before turning away with a loud _hmph_. "It's _very_ pink," Hisao nods, almost sounding like a wise old man, "And it's quite long."

"Only because you _don't_ have hair," Daiki points out matter of factly, "Toru's hair is shorter than mine!"

"Hatsuga _-nii_ 's hair is pink!" I say.

"Hey don't make fun of my _do,_ it's all the rage in the village. _"_ Hisao says rubbing the top of his stubbly head.

"Hatsuga _-nii_ 's hair is a dark purply-red. Kaika _-neesan_ 's hair is pink. Not the same pink, but pink." Daiki says to me, then turning to Hisao, "Yeah, it's all the rage in your _family_."

Hisao rolls on top of Daiki and proceeds to tug at his hair.

* * *

We play and joke around until late evening, dinner time. In our excitement about the radio broadcast we completely forgot about lunch. It's always fun to play ninja with them, too much fun. I come back home with a lot of dirt on my face and stick and leaves in my hair. Kaika just brushes them out of my hair with a laugh and tells me to take a bath. Hatsuga is herding all the animals back into their pens. Moe is grabbing the air by Kaika's lap.

After I take a long bath and coming out all nice and clean, we begin eating dinner. I see a bit of meat on the table and some mushrooms on the side which comes as a surprise to me. We don't usually get to eat meat or mushrooms. There's some leftover _tamagoyaki_ from lunch that was supposed to be mine, but at least I get to eat it for dinner.

Hatsuga flashes a V sign at me and puffs his chest out, "I caught some pheasants and gathered some mushrooms from the forest today. Are you proud of me _kaa-san_?" 

"Yep, very proud!" Mother pats Hatsuga's purplish-red hair with a smile on her face, "You're the man of the house now, after all."

" _Uwaah_ ," Kaika places her finger to her lips in mock surprise, "How cool of you, Hatsuga."

Hatsuga turns almost as red as his hair and elbows Kaika in the waist, "Shut up."

"But _tou-san_ is the man of the house?" I say, blinking my eyes at them.

The table gets quiet all of a sudden. Mother purses her lips, quickly covering the shock that flashes on her face with a strained smile, "Y-yeah, you're right Toru _-chan_." Hatsuga looks down into his rice bowl with furrowed eyebrows. Kaika just continues eating like she didn't hear what I said.

"Where's _tou-san_ by the way? He hasn't been home since last night." I put a mushroom into my mouth and start chewing.

Silence. Kaika is the first one to break it, "Your _shuriken kimono_. We're going to have to wait until the traders come back next week for the fabric. Hasumi- _san_ didn't keep any in stock."

"Aww, that's too bad," I say, "It's okay though. I can wait."

Kaika smiles and takes a sip of her _miso_ soup.

"You didn't forget about the letters you're going to write to your brothers, did you?" Mother says.

"Nope!" I say shaking my head, "I didn't forget!"

"Well eat up! Then we'll get to the letters," Mother smiles, showing me her teeth, "I'll even teach you how to write our family name!"

"Yeah!" I cheer.

* * *

Evening turns to night and kerosene lamp gets turned on. Hatsuga is already lying down in his futon, preparing to go to sleep. Moe lies beside him making baby noises with the occasional cough and trying to grab at his fingers. The fold-out table also doubles as a writing desk, Mother and I sit on one edge and Kaika sits on the opposite, continuing her extra work. This time it's a new garment and she's making the seams look nice.

"Okay. What do you want to tell Kizashi and Shibomu?" Mother places the mulberry papers in front of me and hands me a pencil. The flame of the lamp dyes the table with a soft orange glow.

"Well," I _hmm-_ ed, then listing everything out, "I want to ask if they're doing okay. And that I miss them. And if they're getting enough to eat. And if they're taking care of themselves."

Shibomu is already a _shinobi_ , he graduated and got his _genin_ rank and _hitai-ate_ two years ago. I've only seen him a few times when I was younger but that was so long ago that his face is getting very fuzzy in my memory. He sent home quite a bit of letters and pictures before so I know what he looks like now but his last letter was a while ago. Like Hisao's brother. They went to the Academy at the same time too. They must be _real_ busy with missions and the war stuff. Shibomu is my oldest brother. He doesn't really talk much about his life in Konoha. His letters are short and concise.

Kizashi is my second oldest brother. He's almost graduating from the Academy soon. He also has the funniest shaped hair out of all of us boys. I guess he takes after Father that way. The letters he sends back are funny and tells us all about his life in the Academy. Learning awesome _ninjutsu_ and _taijutsu._ He can make clones of himself and move at super fast speeds! He makes being a ninja sound super cool, like the broadcasts on the radio.

Mother nods, making soft sounds of acknowledgement. _Mhm_ -ing and _Ahh_ -ing as she writes my questions down, "Anything else?"

"Mhm! Tell them I'm going to be a super strong _shinobi_ just like them!" I say, "There was something on the radio today. A recruitment drive. When I enroll in the Academy, I'm going to send you all of my monthly stipend so you can buy Kaika _-nee_ a new kimono. And so you can fix that leaky part of the roof."

Mother drops her pencil. Kaika stops sewing. Hatsuga gets up. Moe lets out a little bubbling cough that gradually grows louder. Soon after, they all go back to what they were doing before. Kaika goes back to sewing. Hatsuga goes back to playing with Moe and trying to get her to fall asleep.

"W-well." Mother's hands start shaking as she picks up the pencil with her thin fingers, "That's a very _nice_ thought. But you don't have to-"

"Nope," I say, "I promised Hisao and Daiki."

"Hey c'mere," Mother presses the pencil into my hands. I grip it tightly with my fingers instead of my fists. I've been practicing with a small stick with Hisao and Daiki. To my surprise Daiki knows how to write, so he's been teaching me some too, "I'll teach you how to write our family name now." She guides my hand across the bottom of the letter and proceeds to write.

"See this?" Mother says, pointing at the first _kanji_ that she'd written, "This means spring. _Haru_." Then at the second half, "And this means field. _No_. This is your name. Did you get it?"

I nod and I try my best to copy what she wrote on the other letter, sticking my tongue out in absolute concentration as I move the pencil in very delicate strokes. "Ha. Ru. No. To. Ru. Haruno Toru." I had written my first name in _katakana_ instead. Mother hasn't taught me how to write my name in kanji. Yet.

"Let's go post these at the post office tomorrow." She pats my head and smiles. There's a hint of sadness in her eyes. At that time I didn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I need a beta reader. Writing a from a child's perspective is hard. Also IK the Sannin didn't defeat Hanzo. It's propaganda radio


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toru. Oh, Toru.

The lights are off and everyone has already fallen into a deep sleep.

I guess because of the backbreaking work they do to keep the family through the winter with enough money and food stockpiled. We can't really work the fields or forage during winter so we have to work extra hard during the autumn to hunt enough meat and forage enough _sansai_ (wild vegetables and herbs in the mountains) to be dried and preserved for when it snows.

And chestnuts! And wild sweet potatoes!

Maybe I should ask Hatsuga to collect as much chestnuts as he can? Then we can have chestnut rice all winter long! It's really delicious and the mellow taste of chestnuts really goes well with rice, sprinkled with black sesame seeds and a little bit of salt! And as much sweet potatoes as he can too! Having roasted sweet potatoes during the chilling cold is probably one of the _best_ things about winter.

Oops, I think I've been thinking too much about food.

I roll to the other side, wriggling my body to get into a comfortable position. Not forgetting to wipe the trail of saliva that have pooled at the corners of my mouth of course. I make sure to pull the sheets up to my chin so that it's nice and toasty underneath the blanket.

It probably slipped my mind but it's late autumn now! Beautiful orangey-red leaves that have almost left the trees bare and that's why Kaika has more work than usual. Kaika says that our village's tailors are quite popular among the other villages in the region so they usually order from Hasumi _-san_ 's workshop in bulk (I think that means a lot at once?) right before winter.

That's also why the hole in the _shoji_ door needs to be fixed soon or else it's going to be really cold when it starts snowing. And we'll probably need extra cotton padded _hanten_ for bedding on top of our old _futons_. 

I pinch the scratchy material of my futon and rub them against each other, looking at it with horrible distaste in my mouth. It's so gotten so thin to the point where it probably won't be able to keep me warm enough for winter.

It wasn't like this in my dreams. The beds there are soft and fluffy. Mine was warm, unlike a futon but was held up with a structure and had a really soft mattress with a thick blanket. The houses are warm and kept away the chill really well.

No- I shouldn't think like that. It's no use thinking about a place that only exists in my dreams.

There's just a lot of things that we need to consider as a family. I don't know the exact amount of _ryo_ that Shibomu and Kizashi brings back so it's good to save as much money as possible in any way we can. 

My youngest sister's coughing keeps me up. It sounds really bad, like she has something wet and sticky stuck in her body and she can't get it out. I can't really fall asleep like this. Even with the uneven lumps in the _tatami_ on my back. 

  
Are babies supposed to be this quiet? I don't really think so, the other babies in the village are quite prone to crying loudly when they need something or if they're hungry or if they need a nappy change but why-?

Moe coughs again.

It isn't loud enough to wake my family up but I'm unusually sensitive to sound. It sounds oddly wet, nothing like the dry heaves that Hatsuga sometimes gets in the middle of winter because it's too dry. It sounds almost like the frothing of the _sukiyaki_ that we rarely have.

It's weird. Coughs aren't supposed to sound like that.

I fold the blanket outwards and crawl my way over to where Moe is sleeping, making sure not to wake any of my family up. And making sure not to accidentally press against any limbs or anything. They need their sleep.

She looks unusually calm, with her eyes closed and he face flushed. And she sort of looks cute all bundled up like that with only her face visible. A smile makes it's way to my lips as I extend a hand to stroke her head.

It's hot.

I pull back my hand. Huh? People aren't supposed to be this hot. Babies aren't supposed to be this hot. I turn to look at Mother's sleeping face, brows furrowed into something tight.

She looks so exhausted. I can see the hint of purple under and the deep wrinkles around her eyes. It almost makes me regret wanting to wake her up. But should I really? I should right? It could be really bad for Moe if it turns out to be something bad.

I reach out to shake Mother's shoulder awa-

The front door shakes in the shutters, the sound of them being shoved rings in my ears from the _genkan_. It sounds like they're being forcefully pushed open, I can hear a hitch when the doors get stuck on the little crack of the sliding thingies that keep the doors in place. One, two times before whoever is trying to enter gives up and just slumps their body on the front _engawa_.

Who's that? An intruder? A bandit? 

I suck in a deep breath at the thought.

I give the rest of my sleeping family a quick glance. None of them seem to have noticed the sound. Aha, one of the downsides of being in a farming family. Everyone sleeps so deep that they can't hear how loud the door was jostling. Something twinges in my chest as fear bubbles from inside me. I'm a man of the house and I need to defend my family. I exhale a shaky breath as I look around the room for anything that I can use to protect myself and my family.

A rattan broom with a curved handle that's lying against the far walls at the kitchen catches my eye and I clench my jaw with determination. Yes, a _weapon_. I take a couple of tentative steps over the edges of Hatsuga's and Keiko's _futon,_ towards the kitchen. Towards the broom _._ I take it firmly in my hands, preparing myself for the worst.

What if it's really someone dangerous? No, don't think like that. I'll just take a peek to check. If there's anyone suspicious lurking around outside, I'll immediately wake my entire family up to deal with the intruder.

I take a deep breath, broom upright between my fists as I slowly shuffle my way towards the door. One step. Two. There's a tiny opening between the doors that I can see outside from. Holding the air in my chest as steady as I could, I stop right at the _genkan_ and press one of my eyes closer in between the small crack between the _shoji_ doors to take a better look, steadying my body with both of my hands so none of my movements make extra noise.

The cold autumn wind cuts right across my face. All I see is the starry night sky and the normal scenery that I usually see at the front of my house, a dirt path, a wooden fence. A _sakura_ tree that Father has planted outside so that he can enjoy his yearly spring tradition of viewing and admiring the blossoming flowers _._

And- Wait! A sharp smell enters my nostrils. It's a putrid kind of smell, the kind that just goes up into your nose and makes it burn inside. The same scent that I clearly remember smelling when I pass the local _izakaya_ in the evening. _Yuck_. I cup the front of my nose and my mouth or else I'd just gag and throw up. Possibly alerting whoever it is outside to break into the house and look for the source of the noise.

It's strong. Super strong. And super disgusting. Did I say that already? Right.

It seems that it's coming from even lower than I expected, almost like if- I let my eyes drop slightly, down the pathway and even further down to the _engawa._ I spot familiar dark-reddish hair and a small gourd container just laying there by his limp arm. He's sprawled himself over the _engawa_ , one hand reaching out towards the gourd. His finger tips barely touching the cork.

It's not... It's _not_ a bandit.

It's Father. Smelling of something _strong_. Passed out. Flushed face. He must be drunk. Where did he get the money to drink?

I've witnessed a similar thing back in my dream before. Drunken rambling. Things being thrown then breaking and crashing. Unabashed cursing, all sorts of bad things being spat out in streams of mushed up words and slurred murmuring.

And the violence. At the back of my mind, I faintly remember a dark shadow embracing me in their arms as he lashed out at me. Hitting, punching, thrashing. Whimpers that just sounded so tortured, so in pain with each collision of fist against flesh. A warm embrace. Ghost-like whispers of prayer. _It's going to be okay. I won't let him hurt you. I won't let him hurt you._

My body freezing in place. Cold. Cold running through my body, my arms, my legs. I can't breathe. No air. No-

An unconscious shudder runs down my body. These memories aren't mine. I shut my eyes tight, adjusting my grip around the rattan handle as hard as I can. A deep breath. In. Out. It's not real. Not real. Father wouldn't do that, at least he wouldn't hit Mother like that. They both love each other _very_ much. You don't hit the people you love.

Another deep breath. It takes me a while before I can finally calm myself down enough to put the broom down somewhere it won't fall down and make a big noise. And wake my family up. Sleep is _important_. We _can't_ do our jobs properly without enough sleep.

First, to deal with Father's sleeping body. A futon. I slowly creep to the _futon_ closet and slide it open, looking within for a spare blanket or something I could use to cover him up so that he won't catch a cold. I'm not strong or big enough to drag him into the house without making a ton of noise so, I'll have to think about other ways. 

Ah! Father's blanket. I try my best to pull at the edges. I'm not that tall so I can't really reach the very top unless I stand on my tippy-toes. Even then I can only reach the very edge of the thick folds. It doesn't budge. I clench my fists and stretch as far as I can and _pull_ again. Something heavy _fwumps_ on me and I tumble to the tatami floor.

Nobody stirs from their sleep, even after the loud sound the futon and the blanket makes.

_Good._

I peel the layers off me and drag it towards my Father's prone body. It's really heavy in my small arms, the weight of both the futon and the blanket is almost suffocating. A small child carrying a disproportionately large bundle and waddling his way towards anywhere would be a sight to see for sure. I clench my teeth and do my best.

I didn't get very far. Halfway through (that's like about five steps) I end up dropping the bundle on the ground and dragging it to the door. I slide the door open carefully. Father's arm, which was laying against it flops on the floor, making me jump. Eyes darting towards Mother and my siblings. Phew, okay. Still asleep.

"Goddamn them _dogs_ of Konoha," Father slurs his words, the hand that isn't near the gourd reaches out behind his neck to give it a quick scratch. His hair falling over his face. I still, eyes trained on him, "They _can't_ \- They _can't_ take, " He makes a sound like those pigs that Hisao's family keeps, "Can't take _my_ other two boys _away_ from me." He curls his fingers into a fist and slams it onto the wood of the _engawa_. The sound of flesh hitting wood is muted from the blanket that I throw over him as soon as he lifts his arm.

Don't make so much noise, Father. _Please!_

"Always. _Always_. Wars. Left and right. Bloody wars," Father's voice is gurgling at this point but it's muffled by the weight of the blanket, "How many public enlistments must we go through before- Before they'd be satisfied? Taking my boys. Taking my crops. How long until they start taking my girls too?"

I still again. But Father, girls can be _shinobi_ too. Why- _Why_ are you _angry_? I swallow those words. Father's drunk. He won't be able to listen to what I'm saying to him. I throw the _futon_ mattress over him. A double covering, in case he becomes sick. I'd prefer to drag him inside where it's warmer but, I'm not big enough. Not strong enough.

" _Nngh_. When..? When will the wars ever end?" Father chokes a sob from underneath, "When will I see my sons again?"

Maybe Hatsuga could if I woke him up. I glance at my brother's sleeping figure over my shoulder then shaking my head deciding against it.

I turn to look down at Father. He's drinking because he's _sad_ not because he's angry _._

My eyebrows knit together. I hope one day Father doesn't have to drink because he's sad anymore. I've never seen him like this before but this doesn't look good. Passing out in front of your own house isn't good either. I try to place Father's arm underneath his face so he'd have a more comfortable way to sleep in. And so he won't have weird red marks on his face when he wakes up.

I spend some time adjusting the blankets so that Father can sleep warmly.

With heavy shoulders, I walk back to my corner of the room and quietly settle back into my _futon._ Trying my best to fall asleep _._

❀❀❀

Flashes of the same thing again mixed with other short flashes that I can't really recall. The girl with dark pig-tails and oceans in her eyes. The _jungle gym_. The climb. The fall. 

A door slides shut with a muted bang and the sound wakes me up. I take in a sharp breath, the sound of the air passing my teeth is almost grating to my ears. I quickly sit up to look around the room. What's that sound? Who's awake? I'm usually the first one to wake up. As expected sleeping well isn't part of the plan that the gods have for me.

" _Anata,_ " It's Mother's voice. She's talking in the way that she talks to any of us when we've done something wrong. It's muted, like it's coming from behind walls. Thin walls, "You _can't_ just run off and get yourself piss drunk every single time the announcement comes on the radio. We _have_ kids. We _have_ a family. We've finally moved from the border to somewhere more _secure_."

"We're piss poor because of that," Father hiccups. He sounds more awake in his head than last night. See, sleep helps everything, "We gave up _everything_ just to move here where it's safer. Away from the war. Then the _Daimyo_ raising taxes on produce? I can't- I _can't_ give you the life we used to have." His words catch in his throat.

I swallow the lump that's formed in my throat. I didn't know this. This _war_ thing. Is it really that bad? But Konoha _shinobi_ are doing their best to protect our country and our people. The radio said so.

The sound of flesh hitting flesh that makes me jump in my futon. Did Mother just slap Father? It's a little hard to tell when the sound is really muffled. My hands press against my mouth so I don't make any more noise and I glance towards my siblings. They don't seem to be awake yet. The real question being, why are they such deep sleepers? The conversation is really loud and it woke me up.

I hear Moe making a cooing sound from my left.

Then a choked sob from outside and a thick voice, "I- I didn't marry you because of- Because of- Material goods!"

Another sob. Silence, then, "Both of us knew that we'd be leaving everything behind. So don't you _dare_ use that as an excuse to drink yourself silly," It's Mother's voice. I haven't heard Mother like this in a long time. Ever, when I think about it, "I need you here, with me, every step of the way. Thick and thin. Remember _that_? They're _my_ sons too. We- We'll go through this together. We're a _team_." Her voice turns into something tender at the end, despite her sniffles.

I don't think I should get out of bed to see what's happening between them. It's a private moment, I think? Respect people's privacy! I remember Kaika telling me this when she was trying to hide a letter that she got from one of the older boys in her apprenticeship. I really, really wanted to know why her face was as red as Hatsuga's hair as she tried to keep it out of my reach. She didn't have to since I couldn't really read then.

I sink back onto the scratchy straw pillow I call my own and shut my eyes, pretending to sleep. My mind and heart both racing with thoughts. ' _I can't give you the life we used to have'_. Father's sad words echo at the back of my head like the rooster (boy chicken- I can't believe that it's not a thing) crowing endlessly in the mornings (anytime now).

Did they have a better life before the war? Before all of the _bad_ things that started happening? If war is a bad thing, it's definitely a good thing to become a _shinobi_ so that I can protect my country, my family and everyone else who's suffering. _Yeah_. I clench both my fists underneath the blankets. It's definitely the proper thing to do. The only you can do for them for now. Somehow I had to be _older_ to do anything else.

A resounding slap that's much louder than the previous one that I've heard just a couple of minutes ago. "You spent our savings on _sake_? I can tolerate the regular, cheap _sake_ but you got the _expensive_ kind! What _are_ we going to do for Winter?! We needed that money for repairs. New _futons_. Food. Wood for the fire! Expenses _for_ the _family_!"

Father laughs in a short and stacatto-y way, like he does when he's nervous. He sounds surprisingly normal after being slapped about two times by Mother in this moment alone, "Well- Actually I have no excuse. It was- I _didn't_ it think it through-"

"We had enough to live comfortably through the winter and you- You. _Ugh_. I love you but _sometimes_ you _test_ my patience. Just- Just. _Ugh_. Clench your teeth," Mother sounds like she's trembling, "Go in and sleep it off, tomorrow we're going to the forest after tending to the farm. The crops are almost ready for harvesting. Help me."

Father's voice is thick with defeat, "Wha- Why? Oh. Yes, alright _aikata._ On the count of three? Three, two, on- _"_

Another slap. Father grunts but otherwise takes the solid hit. A three hit combo? I guess it's to be expected, I'd be _angry_ too if someone else used up the money I saved for the winter for things that won't last through a day or two. Mother is _scary_. Mother. I bite on my lower lip, quivering like crazy. The weight of the blanket against my skin helps keeping me calm, I pull it over my nose. 

It's no good to hit Father but boys who have been naughty need to punished? _Agh!_ I don't want to think about it.

I keep my eyes shut when I hear the both of them enter the house, Father's footsteps heavier than Mother's.

❀❀❀

When the crows go off. It's probably the most _chaotic_ morning ever.

Mother is smiling and acting like the previous conversation I heard before didn't happen. Father took the far corner of the room, all huddled up in his futon trying to sleep out the _sake_ from his system. Hatsuga is just looking around the room with a very tight expression, his eyes in a squint as he's trying to _wake up_ (it takes him a long while honestly. Maybe too long). His hair as wild as a bird's nest in the reeds. As always. Kaika's narrowing her eyes as she gives Father's sleeping body a _look_ , the smell isn't doing Father any good.

I pretend like I just woke up, "Good morning everyone-Oh. When did _Tou-san_ get back?"

❀❀❀

"W-what? Father used up our savings?" Kaika hisses under her breath when Mother whispers it into her ear. She clutches at the bottom-half of her kimono, " _All_ of it?"

"Y-yeah. Sorry Kaika _-chan_. I know I promised that you didn't need to take any extra work anymore for the rest of the season but..." Mother presses her hands together and raises it up to her lips, making a pleading gesture, "Help us out with some extra jobs from the workshop?

" _Kaa-san_!" Kaika whines, shaking her head from side to side, "You promised! If I do that I can't spend time with him! I'm already doing so much for the family and yet-" Her eyes start quivering and she sucks in her bottom lip.

Mother rushes to Kaika's side to embrace my sister in her own thin arms. She takes a shaky breath, "Yeah. Sorry Kaika _-chan_. I know you've been wanting to spend some time with that boy but we-" She gulps and tries again, "We _need_ your help. The money that Kizashi sent back this month isn't enough. Shibomu hasn't written back in a really long time and-"

Kaika shoves Mother away, bunching up the fabric of her _kimono_ in both her fists. Her face mushed up into a mix between anger and something else. She calmly walks towards the dresser, pulls out her small mirror stand and goes to brushing her hair. The way she holds the brush and the way her face looks doesn't match at all (the brush looks like it's going to snap right in half, it's a really sturdy brush).

Kaika doesn't say another word.

Hatsuga and I share a _look._ What was _that?_ The both of us communicate that to each other with just our eyes. Doesn't this mean I have more of a reason to enroll? Monthly stipends means extra money for the family. And I love _this_ family. _My_ family. I look at both my hands then clenching the both of them. They fall to my sides, still clenched. I'm going to be a _shinobi_ no matter what.

"Kaika _-nee_ , you _can't_ push _Kaa-chan_ like that," I say in a tone that's softer than my usual. I glance between my sister's back and my mother's shoulders.

Kaika doesn't respond to me. Her hands working on her hair in the same meticulous manner that she uses when she sews.

Hatsuga stays silent, a wrinkle forming on his forehead as he looks at Father's figure underneath the blanket.

Mother takes a deep breath and turns her body behind so the rest of us can't see her face. For a second, the inside turns cold when the corners of her lips drop just by a fraction. She brings both her hands to her face and takes another breath, stilling her body for a moment. Then she turns around with a smile on her face as she moves to pick Moe up to cradle her in her arms.

"Boys, get up and get ready to do your chores," She then looks at me, "We'll go the post office after to post your letters, okay?" Mother turns down towards my youngest sister and presses her fingers on Moe's forehead, "We have to visit the doctor too. Moe- _chan's_ been really quiet lately. She doesn't cry- She doesn't." Mother sucks in another breath and presses her hand against her chest, closing her eyes, "It's nothing, it's just a little fever. We'll get her some medicinal herbs and she'll be _right_ as rain."

Then, a hushed whisper underneath her breath that I barely catch, "W-where are going to get the money for- No. Stay strong. I'm a mother. I need to stay strong for my kids. I'll find a way-"

"Kaa _-chan_. Did you say something?" I slip out of the sheets and I move to fold up my futon into a nice square (It's not that nice, but I'm trying! I'll get better at folding futons one day!).

Hatsuga looks at me with a raised eyebrow, "What are you saying? Kaa _-san_ just said that she's going to go to the doctor's after we head to the post office. Didn't you hear her? Have you turned deaf?"

Huh? Hatsuga didn't hear her say the last part? But I clearly-

Mother presses her fingers to her lips and sends a hasty smile my way, "Toru _-chan_ , you're hearing things again. I didn't say anything." She claps her hands together once, twice, "Chop, chop. Time's a wastin'. The quicker the both of you complete the morning chores, the quicker we can post these letters." She pulls the letters from the folds of her _kimono_ and waves it in the air. Her tone sounds a little too cheerful.

I circle my fingers around my ears in disbelief as I make my way outside the house, "Okay."

Hatsuga just sits there for a good solid minute before throwing the covers open and drags himself out of the _futon,_ trailing behind me _._

_"_ Toru- _chan,_ Hatsu- _chan._ Remember to brush your teeth! _"_ Mother reminds us.

I pause mid-step and waddle my way towards the sink, turning sharply back into the kitchen. Hatsuga stops and stands still with his head hanging. Then drags his feet towards the kitchen like he's carrying a _heavy_ load of firewood. It takes him a few minutes, halfway brushing his teeth. Toothpaste foaming and toothbrush deep in his mouth before he has a sudden realization.

"Kaa _-san_. _Don't_ call me that! I'm already a _man_!"

I tease him about it later when we're feeding the chickens but all I get is a swift strike in the middle of my head.

❀❀❀

When the both of us return from our chores, the chickens fed, eggs collected, goats brushed and milked and the pails stored in the shed. We come back home to a simple breakfast of _tamagoyaki_ (from the eggs that we didn't eat yesterday), _miso_ soup that tastes more like water than _miso_ and rice. With a fresh glass of milk. 

Kaika has already left without so much of a word to me, to Hatsuga or Mother. I didn't get my morning kiss too. I've never seen Kaika this upset before.

A lot of firsts the past few days but we're finally on our way to post our letters! I hope Shibomu and Kizashi have enough time to read them and respond back to me and Mother!

I really want to hear more stories from them so I can prepare myself for my time in the Academy. It's going to be _awesome_ , I'm going to make as many friends as possible (not forgetting Hisao and Daiki of course), and I'm going to learn _all_ the _jutsu,_ and I'm going to work my as- Oops, butt. I meant butt. I'm going to work my butt off to graduate and get my _hitai-ate_ (that's what it's called right? The metal-plate thing that all _ninja_ wear?) and _imgoingtobethebestninjaeve-_

"Okay," Mother waves the envelopes in the air like a fan of cards, snapping me out of my daydream. Moe kinda is just hanging on the front of Mother's _obi_ , secured with a long swathe of cloth and an arm under her legs. We've already arrived at the Post Office? Oops, I got too caught up with my thoughts, "Are there any more letters we want to send to Shibomu and Kizashi before these go into a parcel?" 

I think she has Hatsuga in mind since she's staring at him with expecting eyes and nodding her head slowly at him. 

Hatsuga has both his arms crossed against his body, eyes looking anywhere but her in the post office. He taps his _zori_ against the wooden floor and looks at the ends of the ends of his fingers as if he didn't hear what Mother is saying (hah, who's deaf now?).

"Hatsuga," She says to him with a meaningful look, a gentle smile on her lips, "Do _you_ have anything you _want_ to send to your brothers? It will be a while before the next postman comes to collect our letters back to Konoha, so if you have anything you want to send. _Now's_ the time."

Hatsuga frowns, tucking his hands deeper into his armpits and quickening the pace of his foot tapping before throwing his arms up in exasperation. A sheepish expression forms on his face as he's a little reluctant to pull out two crumpled letters from inside of his _kimono._ He shoves both of them into Mother's hands, not meeting her gaze. His cheeks looking quite red, just like his hair, "Here. My letters to _nii-san_ one and _nii-san_ two."

Mother giggles, sending a knowing smile his way. She ruffles his hair and bends her body down to his eye-level, "Good boy. I'm sure your brothers will be _pleased_ to receive a letter from you, Hatsu- _chan_. Thank you for writing to them."

Hatsuga furrows his eyebrows, the red still on his cheeks. "It's nothing, they should know that they have family who wants a response- And _don't_ call me that, _Kaa-san_."

"Hee hee." I curve my eyes at him, slowly bringing my fingers up to my face to hide my smile. I open my mouth to proceed with the teasin-

"Don't, Toru. I know what you're going to say," He holds up his flat palm towards my face, "Stop it."

Mother dusts the bottom of her kimono with a sweep of her arm, bundling Hatsuga's letters together with mine and hers and heads towards the counter where the Post Office Man is doing his job. The building is big, dark brown wood planks for flooring and wood that's a little bit lighter for walls. The top half has a more stone-y look and feel. Behind the counter is a ton of drawers that probably have all sorts of envelopes (letter coverings, why can't they call it letter coverings?) in them.

I can hear their conversation from where I'm standing, which isn't that far away. Hatsuga just looks like he's been forced to eat green bell-peppers as he leans his back against the wall, waiting for Mother to finish up.

"Hey, Hatsuga _-nii_?" I say, fiddling with the sleeves of my kimono, which is loose on my body. One of Kizashi's hand-me-downs. I don't mind wearing his old stuff, new clothes are a little expensive for us. My eyes still staying on both Mother and Post Office Man, "When did you write those letters?"

"Could I send this as a package to Konoha please? Addressed to a Haruno Kizashi and Haruno Shibomu?" She hands the bundle of letters to the Post Office Man.

"Hah? Are you going to make fun of me for writing to them even though I said I didn't want to-" Hatsuga says, sounding more upset by the second.

Post Office Man receives it with both hands, a polite smile on his face, "Sure, Haruno _-san_. You've been sending letters almost every week now. You're basically my best customer in this village! And as you know, business gets a little slow. Not many people know how to read and write over here, y'know?"

"No, I mean," I let my words trail off as I try my best to listen into their conversation, "Umm, uh. I didn't see you writing, or at least, you don't seem interested in writing any letters to them. Our brothers."

"Ahaha," Mother lets out a nervous laugh, touching her face right underneath her ear. Then moving her eyes down to the name-tag on his chest before tilting her head to the side, "Well, Yuu _-san_. Are you sure you haven't gotten any packages or letters addressed to me or my family? It's been a while since the last one-"

"Oh," I see him scratching the back of his neck from the corner of my eye. I'm straining my ears as hard as I can to pick up the distant words and sounds, trying my best to piece them together into coherent sentences, "They. They deserve to know that they still have family- us, waiting for them to respond back, and not worry our parents so much." He looks down at his feet that barely grazes the ground when he sits on it.

"Don't worry Haruno _-san._ I'll make sure to inform you personally when the next Post Man arrives with the mail of course. I'm sorry about our service, there's a lot of bandits roaming around because of the war-" The Post Office Man presses his hands to his mouth as he glances at me.

I look away and pretend like I can't hear them, swinging my legs at the edge of the wooden benches at the reception area and focusing my attention towards Hatsuga, who is now starting to catch on. Giving me a short glance, back at Mother, then back to me.

"Ah. It's not proper for me to say this but you understand what I'm trying to say, Haruno- _san_?" He gives Mother his most professional smile.

"Toru," He looks at me with round eyes, "Can you actually hear what Kaa _-san_ is saying to that man? I can't hear _anything_ at all."

Mother falters, "Y-yes. I understand. Thank you very much for the services that you and your company provide to this village." She places the money on the small plastic tray that lays on the counter for payment.

"I," My throat starts becoming tight, "Yeah. I can hear her. You _really_ can't?"

He pushes it the tray back at her, "It's _service_ , on the house. Haruno _-san_. For our untimely service. We'll definitely make sure your package gets to your sons in time."

Hatsuga shakes his head then folding his hands neatly into his lap, his words ringing in my head, "No."

I see Mother's shoulders lower just by a fraction before they tense up again. She smiles and picks up the money, slipping into her drawstring purse hanging by the sides of her _obi_. Mother gives the Post Office Man a small bow of her head before gesturing to me and Hatsuga to follow her out of the Post Office. 

"Coming, Kaa _-chan_." I say, sliding off the edge of the bench and taking Hatsuga's hand in mine, "Let's go."

Hatsuga doesn't pull away from me. The wrinkle in his forehead seems to be permanent as the both of us walk towards Mother. She gives Moe a pinch on the cheeks and coos affectionately at her, "You're so good today, Moe _-chan_. You didn't cry for Kaa _-san_ at all. Don't worry we'll take you to the doctor and we'll get some medicine so you'll get all better, won't you?"

"So what did he say? The Post Office Man?" I blink up at her, trying to find out if my ears did indeed get all of that accurately, "Did we get any letters from Shibomu _-nii_ and Kizashi _-nii_?"

Mother freezes as she adjusts Moe's position in her front, so that she doesn't slide down or get loose. She curls a strand of her hair behind her ear, "Well. No. But we've posted our letters and it was on the house. We have a little bit of money for Moe _-chan_ 's visit for the doctor." Her expression eases into a smile, "At least for that. We probably can pay for the medicine that we need if we can sell the milk for more."

Hatsuga pats the front of his chest, tilting his chin up in a confident pose, "Don't worry _Kaa-san_ , I got this covered. Toru and I will handle selling the milk. We have Toru _-chan_ 's cute face after all." He grabs my cheeks in his palms and starts squeezing.

I let out a horrified gasp but it comes out all muffled like from my face being squished like a soft pillow, "Hatsuga- _nii_!"

" _Heeh_ ," Mother's face is full of parental affection, her smile being the prime evidence, "Hatsuga, you're becoming a very _reliable_ older brother. Aren't you?"

Hatsuga puffs out his chest, running a finger underneath his nose, "Watch me, _Kaa-san_ , I'm going to make you proud."

"I'm going to take Moe _-chan_ to the doctor's to get an appointment first, I'll meet you boys outside after?" The stiffness in Mother's shoulders have gone away a little, they don't look so tense anymore.

Moe grabs onto Mother's fingers.

Hatsuga gives Mother a thumbs up and an equally enthusiastic toothy grin.

I let out another _horrified_ gasp.

❀❀❀

I sit on one of the benches outside the village clinic with my head down and arms lying limp in my lap. Hatsuga leafs through the hundred ryo notes with an expression that matches the face of one of the older men from the merchant caravans that comes every month as he counts how much that we've earned. It was an interesting experience. An _interesting_ and _tiring_ experience.

We sold today's milk for a lot more than we usually get with Hatsuga's devious plan of using m- No, I shall _not_ recount what happened.

Let's just say that I didn't know that people could be exploited that way. I just hope that Hisao or Daiki did not see anything from that dark period of my life (that lasted a whole fifteen minutes).

"Don't look so down, Toru _-chan,_ " There's a playful lilt in his voice as he counts the valuable pieces of paper in his hands again, "We've made doub- No, near _triple_ of what we usually sell it for."

I look at him with _disbelief_ in my eyes, my soul, my everything.

Hatsuga grins, fanning the money at me, "Maybe we should do this every day, then we'll _definitely_ have enough to cover all our repairs and other necessities."

" _Nooooo,_ " I whine, placing my face in my warm palms. That was a humiliating experience, "I don't want to go through that again!" I pause, lowering my hands to look at him with round eyes, trying my best to say the unknown word, " _Necessities_? What does that mean?

"It means 'stuff that we need'," Hatsuga tucks the money into the folds of his Kimono and purses his lips in thought, "Like food. Firewood in the winter. Clothes. _Necessities_ , y'know?" He gestures vaguely into the air at _necessities_.

"Well," I say with a frown, rocking both my legs into the air. My legs are too short to even reach the ground, "I know _now_. Where's _Kaa-chan?_ "

Right on cue, Mother exits the clinic with a worried expression on her face, holding Moe really close to her chest. Her shoulders are shaking and her eyes look a little unfocused as she falls onto the bench.

" _Kaa-san_?" Hatsuga reaches out to hold Mother's hand, "Is everything okay? What did the doctor say?"

"She's running a high fever that's a little unusual for babies her age," Mother reaches out to squeeze Hatsuga's fingers with one hand, the other giving Moe back pats in an attempt to coax her into sleep, "He gave me some medicinal herbs that needs to be mixed in water for her to drink. He said it'll help for now but we'll have to go back for check ups." Her eyes dart around, as they do when she's deep in thought.

Hatsuga pulls out the thin bundle of _ryo_ from his kimono and hands it to Mother, "We made quite a bit. If Kaika _-nee_ helps out, we probably have enough for everything _and_ the doctor's."

Mother smiles but her the corners of her eyebrows are raised. She ruffles the top of Hatsuga's head, messing up his purplish-red hair. I see a shy smile on his lips, "What a good boy you are. A _reliable man_ of the house-hold ey?"

Hatsuga puffs up his chest with pride.

❀❀❀

Hisao and Daiki _did_ know about whatever happened in the marketplace. The other girls in the village spread the word about what I did. I did not have a good time in between getting teased for it and playing _ninja_ and being called girly.

They forgot all about it once I shifted the conversation to the Academy enrollment in winter though! Hisao's family really doesn't want him to go so he spent most of his time complaining about that. Daiki and his mysterious self forever remains a mystery. He doesn't talk about his family, preferring for us to talk about ours.

On the brighter side. Moe's sickness doesn't seem so serious, which is a big relief.

❀❀❀

That night, everyone was greeted by the sight of a large, cooked pheasant that could feed an entire family and then some. The smell travels all the way to the front door (then again, small house. The smell reaches every wall and corner). The crispy brown skin and the juicy white meat underneath. Father probably grilled it considering the large smile he has on his face as he gestures towards the dining table with both of his hands.

"What d'you think boys?" Father says, "Proud of your _oyaji_ yet?"

Kaika is already at the dinner table with all her utensils spread before her, chopsticks ready to dig into the bird meat before her. She's silent and looks slightly ticked off, but I can see that she brought some extra fabric home to work on.

Mother has put a wet cloth over Moe's forehead, careful to keep adjusting it so that it doesn't fall off, or suffocate her. After making sure that everything is alright with Moe, she moves closer to Father and gives him a short peck on the cheek, "I'm so proud of you _Anata_ , and I didn't forget about the firewood you brought back."

Father puffs out his chest and rubs underneath his nose with a finger. Hatsuga must've gotten that from him.

"Ooh," I clap my hands together as I stare at the succulent spread of food on the table with large eyes, "That's really awesome, _Tou-san_!" I quickly remove my _zori_ and wash my hands before joining them at the table.

" _Che_ ," Hatsuga crosses his arms over his chest. Standing around at the _genkan_ before he ambles his way towards the sink and taking his own sweet time, "I caught some too. And brought home chestnuts. _And_ a whole bunch of sweet potatoes. Right, Toru?"

"H-huh?" I blink at him, "I can't confirm or deny that alleged piece of information? I wasn't even there with you?"

Hatsuga shoots me a dirty look, his mouth set into a deep scowl, "Where did ya' learn all those words from?"

"You." I deadpan.

Hatsuga hits me on the top of my head.

I grin to myself as my family laughs at our antics (yes, even the royally pissed off Kaika. Five points for me!). Everyone's made up and everything is _well_. We might make it past winter after all!

If we keep getting lucky with the pheasant catching and foraging, we'd be able to breeze by winter without a hitch.

❀❀❀

A week later, a letter from Kizashi finally comes. The entire family is really excited about it, clamoring around the lamp and waiting for Mother to read the contents of the letter out loud. Not _too_ loud since Moe is asleep right now. 

Kizashi mailed most of his earnings back, which would make the winter and the doctor's appointments bearable. His missions mainly consists of paperwork stuff, nothing exciting, no exciting skirmishes with the enemy. No combat assignments. Kizashi says he's lucky for not getting any even though the war is still going on. I think otherwise. But it's good that he's still sends responses back!

He's glad that Hatsuga cares so much about him and that he has received Hatsuga's words to heart.

I blink my eyes over at Hatsuga's direction.

Hatsuga scowls, "I told him to write back more basically. I'm surprised he can understand what I wrote, I speak better than I write."

No response from Shibomu. While my parents are happy about a response from Kizashi, Shibomu's silence worries them.

❀❀❀

The village is now blanketed with a layer of pure white snow. Winter is here.

While we have enough for the winter, replacing our old _hanten_ with new stuffing instead of ordering new ones kept our coin-purses filled and buying extra material to stuff our _futon_ with. I also recently found out that Hatsuga is really good at haggling, which he tried to teach me but I'm _not_ good at it. At all. 

He gave me a tip. If possible, do _that_ and the merchant's hearts will quiver and shake to the point where they'll give me discounts (his words, not mine). I don- I don't want to do _that_. It's- It's unbecoming of a _man_. I want to hide in my _futon_ and scream into my pillow. It's just... that bad. But Hatsuga did say it might help when I'm in Konoha so...

_Sigh,_ whatever. I do it anyway. A useful skill is a useful skill. Especially when it comes to saving money. I _am_ planning to send most of my stipend back to my family after all so surviving with the least amount of money helps.

He doesn't ask about that time at the Post Office. With my hearing. Maybe I just have better hearing than him?

Me, Kaika and Hatsuga are really happy with the roasted sweet potatoes that we're finally able to enjoy for dinner. Father's more focused on work after what the three of us call the ' _sake situation_ ' although I have caught him staring off into space a couple of times with a sad look on his face. Mother? Mother puts on a strong face for the entire family.

Moe's bubbling coughs grows worse. The doctor doesn't know what he can do to cure her completely. The appointments become a heavier burden on our coin-purses because of how often Mother has to take her there.

Moe doesn't seem to be getting any better.

❀❀❀

A small, wooden box arrives at our house two months later, deep into winter, in the late evening. Evenly spaced planks of wood, held together with the kind of shiny metal that I've never seen before. I recognize the small _kanji_ written on the top of the box, the first two only though. Spring. 春. Field. 野. Haruno! A good feeling blossoms in the middle of my chest, spreading out to my entire body once I realize that I can read the _kanji_.

"Haruno! That's our name! I can read the _kanji_! _Kaa-chan_." I point at the jumble of lines that look very carefully etched into the surface of the wood. It's small. Almost too small to be read but I know those strokes anywhere. I've been practicing them in the snow.

Mother doesn't seem to be able to hear anything that I'm saying or doing. Her hands are clenched close to her chest. I can see them shake. Her legs look like they're about to give out.

Father has his arm around Mother's shoulders, gripping them tightly. His eyebrows comes together into a tight expression, his eyes narrow and downcast at the box. He moves to open the box a couple of times but his hands always fall half-way across.

Kaika's lips are set into a grim line as her eyes focuses on the wooden box by the _genkan_. She's unsure of what's going on but she can tell that the atmosphere isn't looking so good. She can read the situation better than I can.

Hatsuga's hands are firm on the sides of my shoulders. So tight as if he's pulling me back from stepping forward any further closer to the box. He holds me in place. I can't see his expression but by how heavy his breathing is. I'd say it's a good chance that his expression matches all of theirs.

It's just a box! It's probably just a present or a souvenir from Konoha. To make up for not sending us any letters for a really long time. Souvenirs!

I struggle out of Hatsuga's grip and rush towards the box, popping it open with a click.

"Toru." Hatsuga calls out to me but I slip out from the reach of his fingers quick enough.

Inside the box are various small objects and trinkets placed neatly to fit in the small square. Some scrolls stacked one over the other on the left. Some knife things and metal stars lay on the bottom of the box, over the top of some hardcover books that seems to be a diary of sorts (well, that and the kanji for diary is right on top. I know this because Kaika has one that she keeps underneath her dresser). A small scroll with a thick black band marked on both edges. 

Finally a navy blue _hitai-ate_ with the symbol of Konoha etched on the front lies on the very top of the box.

"It's just souvenirs!" I pick up the book and show it to my parents, "Maybe Shibomu _-nii_ wrote all his responses in this book. See? _K-kaa-chan_?"

Mother just looks in the inside of the box with a vacant expression, her strong face dropping real quick at the count of three. Father spins her around and presses her face into his shoulder, arms protectively around her back that looks unbelievably small today, in this moment.

I pick up the _hitai-ate_ and wrap it around forehead to show Hatsuga, striking an appropriate pose, "I'm a _ninja_ now! _Shinobi_ -man."

I lower my hands to see Hatsuga's and Kaika's reactions. It's not what I expected. They look like a mixture of sadness and being pissed off, Hatsuga mostly.

"Oi. Toru." Hatsuga says, his cool green eyes reflecting the flame of the fire towards me. His voice chilling me to the bone, " _Stop_ it. Take that off."

I remove the _hitai-ate_ from my forehead, the fabric dropping from my head with little to no resistance and clatters noisily on the wooden floor.

"Why? W-what's wrong?" I say, eyes darting around the room, scanning everyone's faces for an answer, "Why? Why is everyone upset at me? This box is Shibomu's present to all of us. We should be happy!"

Mother's choked sobs pierces through me, making me feel more empty and broken than the cracking I experience through my many endless dreams. Like the sharp of the knife if I'm not careful with it. Like the pricking of the needle if I'm not paying attention even though Kaika said to focus. It hurts. Everything hurts. This isn't supposed to be like this.

I don't- I _don't_ understand.

I run out of the house.

When I reluctantly come back home a few hours later, the box is gone. Everything in the box too. Gone. There's no sign of it ever being in the house in the first place. It was like nothing happened. Like no box, like no signs of Shibomu. All of his trinkets _in_ the house are gone too. The things that he left behind before leaving for Konoha. _Gone_.

Mother has her strong face back on, nursing Moe with the herbal concoction for medicine. Father sits on the _engawa_ outside of the house with a gourd of _sake,_ his eyes never leaving a certain spot underneath the trunk of the Sakura tree, near the roots. He doesn't acknowledge me except with a passing, "Toru."

Kaika and Hatsuga are busy doing their own work. Kaika with her careful sewing and Hatsuga with shelling the extra chestnuts to be sold on the streets. Nobody said anything about the box. Or the strange reactions that they all had. I'm left in the dark about what happened.

It's only much, much more later that I realize that that the contents of the box aren't just souvenirs that Shibomu sent back.


End file.
